jules doing well

From Early June

We checked in with the pediatrician today and Jules is still gaining weight. he weighs in at 13 pounds 15oz today.

Today was good for us because it marked two weeks with NO ng tube. YAYYYYYY!!!!!!

And, today, Jules cleared the anemia of prematurity diagnosis and got to drop TWO medications. Now, he only has to take 6 or 7!

It sounds kind of silly, but it really makes a difference not having to measure out with syringes, those three old medications and since his food tastes a lot better without them, he doesn't vomit up his med bottles as much.

Jules has been off oxygen for an hour or two each day and is doing very well.

Here is what has been floating through my mind:

When I am at the grocery store (the one I go to is right by children's hospital), I wonder about the other people shopping. Are they wandering around with their grocery carts feeling hollow and lost, sick to their stomach and white knuckled, drifting through the aisles knowing they have to make dinner for their families, but struggling to even figure out what to shop for while their baby is in the ICU? Worried that right now as they shop, something is going wrong at the hospital and that they aren't there to help their child? I am haunted in my mind's eye by what it was like for me to just get by with life during that time and I look around, wondering who is in that kind of pain right now? I am so glad to be free of NICU jail and the hell of being trapped in the hospital for nearly six months. But, I am literally haunted by myself from that time. the ghost of me literally follows me around certain places.

When I hear people complaining about random stuff. It is just too soon for me to have any perspective. I am still too close to the trauma of our situation. I think about how grateful I am to be away from the fear in the hospital. I think about what it was like to spend every moment willing Jules to get better and to live and I just don't care about a lot of problems. Mine or anyone else's. I don't think I will ever care about some things the way I used to.

Jules laughing is the best thing in the whole world. Even though when I make him laugh, it gives him the hiccups and he often spits-up, I still can't help making him giggle. He is such a happy, jolly, little old man. He has this raspy almost old-smoker's voice from his lung disease and when he laughs, his whole body laughs. You can even see him smile when you stand behind him. He smiles so BIG that his ears stretch and you can tell he is grinning as you walk on up.

Joy